new slang for almost emilie

los.er - slang. a misfit, esp. someone who has never or seldom been successful at a job, personal relationship, etc.

Today, I felt like a loser.

I felt like simple, sweet Beth in Little Women watching everyone go on ahead while she is content living her uneventful life. The only difference is I'm not simple, I'm not sweet, and I'm not content.

"I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find."

I think some days more than others about my feelings. It's self-indulgent, and I harp on myself over and over - I should know by now what I want.

I don't.

While watching Alice in Wonderland tonight, I was pleased to be reminded of how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. Absalom, the blue caterpillar, called Alice a stupid girl right before retreating into his cacoon. She didn't know who she was, and he referred to her as "almost Alice." In the end of the movie, Alice has undergone a transformation and now knows who she is and what she wants. The last scene is of Alice on the bow of a ship as a blue butterfly alights on her shoulder. "Hello, Absolam," she says and he flies away.

Caterpillars literally grow wings, and some people know what they want. Marvelous things.