this one's for liz

childhood memory #1:

in second grade, mrs. shaw took on a student teacher. he was not only male, but cute. our little desks were set up in a u-shape. i was on the left side of the U which meant that as he passed out papers to the right-side U sitters i had a perfect view of his double plump backside. it was perhaps my first crush on a real man (2nd graders were mere boys). one particular day i had an overwhelming force that lifted my hand off my desk and aimed it right at his bum (i said bum back then). i hesitated as my peabrain processed the pros and cons of what i was about to do. i decided i didn't care. i watched in a trance as my bird boned finger reached forward and bullseyed into his bubbling right cheek, wrinkling his navy dockers. bam! i retracted my arm realizing what i'd just done, what two seconds before i couldn't quite anticipate. i lowered my head and stared intently at the paper in front of me waiting for the inevitable awkwardness. i saw his legs turning and i slowly raised eyes to meet his. embarrassment ensued as i tried my hardest to look casual, my beet face expressing "what are you looking at?" i'm pretty sure i remember a slight smile in response as he turned back around to finish passing out papers.

you'd think that i would have lost interest, or at least learned my lesson. oh no. not me. not emilie martin. when christmas rolled around, i found waiting for me on my desk a zig-zagged edged card with a bit of holly hand-drawn on the front. hand-drawn! inside - "to emilie. have a merry christmas. from, mr ---." (i can't remember his name now. how could i forget his name?) i still have the card tucked away somewhere amongst art work and spelling tests - A+!

valentine's day included this exchange -
peabrain: (with hands behind my back) uh, mr --- ?
mr ---: (turns around) yeah?
peabrain: i have something for you.
mr ---: oh yeah? what's that?
peabrain: (smirking) a kiss!
mr ---: uh... um... huh?
peabrain: (i present from behind my back a giant hershey kiss) teeheehee... it's a HERSHEY'S kiss, silly!"
mr ---: (glances from side to side) thanks, i guess.

i realized too late that i was making a fool of myself. his smile was not flirtatious but evidence of his shock; his hand-made card was not thoughtful, but frugal and probably evidence of a wife at home; and his lack of response to my "kiss" was not because he was flattered into speechlessness, but probably (most definitely) because he was horrified.

he didn't come back the next year. did he not love me? the answer then and now remains the same - no. he did not. but i'd poked his bum and given him a chocolate kiss he'd never forget. i'd been jaded, but he'd remember me. oh yes, he'd remember.