two cents in change..err...

i used to be so much uglier than i am now. i just went through a disc of "emilie's christmas pictures 2003" and cringed too many times. it made me think about little ways i've changed over the years. here are a few...

the other night i sat down to play the piano, write a little ditty perhaps, and once again was frustrated at my lack of creativity. i used to just sit and out would poor my soul. i think that's why i hesitate to share my music. but in recent years, i've been inhibited by experience and exposure. whereas my musical influences spanned no further than enya and tori amos back in the day, i now listen to... well, you all know i love music. i've let myself be boxed in by fear of not writing "cool" or "good" music, when really, that's not why i ever wrote music in the first place. anyway, in that way i've changed... and not for the better.

i don't eat as much sugar anymore. last night liz gave me a candy cane oreo of which i took one bite, confessed "i feel like i'm eating cardboard," and threw the rest out the window of the car.

i used to be more fun. rather, i had more outlets for fun. missie and kelly were main outlets for my stupid, crazy side. now i listen to npr, read "april 1865: the month that saved america," and eat yoplait LIGHT.

apparently, i think only of myself. while this is true, it's not intentional. i was watching a movie last night where a woman commented to her friend about some guys good fortune. the friend turned it around and pointed out her own misfortune, to which the woman replied, "why does everything always have to be about you?" the friend said, "because i'm single!" funny, but sickeningly true for me. for example, on the way to liz's house before class last night she texted me to ask if i'd pick up some cilantro for her. i was annoyed. what? there it is! this was it! a manifestation of my self-centered life. when i refer to self-centeredness, i'm really referring to my sense of familial responsabilities or lack thereof. doing things for other people to whom i have no obligations is never really a problem because i can always say no if i want to. but family... responsability to someone other than myself, that's what's lacking and the reason for my self-proclaimed self-centeredness. i want an obligation, dang it! "i want you to WANT to do the dishes!" well, i want dishes.

i had a huge crush on a senior when i was a freshman in high school. i knew i didn't have a chance. i just thought he was amazing in every way. i wanted nothing more than to drool from a distance. he had a soft banana yellow sweater that made me swoon. it looked great with his brown hair. i have a few good stories related to my crush, but the point i should be making is about how i've changed. i no longer have a crush on anyone even remotely as cool as my high school crush.

i never wear socks anymore.

i also rarely wear black, and when i do i feel so out of sorts and unlike myself that i'm uncomfortable all day. black used to be the color i wore to make my hair POP so i'd feel hotter. i've discovered that highlights and lowlights kinda do the same thing. i can thank utah for that one... all the beautiful, plastic mothers who look younger than i do.

i'm going to dinner and a movie with a friend and his two buddies soon, so even though that's a short, random, and ultimately insignificant list of changes, i'm stopping there. have a wonderful, wonderful weekend.