roller coaster

My hormones are wack. On top of that, I have to find ways to fill my days. Every day. All day. Day after day after day. I'm alone all day. Even if I go out to run errands, I'm alone. There are plenty of things I can do - like read, play my keyboard, clean, cook, write... but those are things I should elect to do instead of being with friends. That's how I like to roll, anyway. I'd rather always have people to see if I want to and then choose to do something else if I feel so inclined. But when all you have to do is something other than see friends and be social, it gets boring real fast.

My mom came into town for the quickest visit possible. She had been up in Seattle visiting her parents and chose to fly through Phoenix on her way home to see us. She got in at 10 last night and I took her to the airport at 10 this morning. She commented on how she wished she could have stayed longer, and Nate said that even these few hours were nice so that I could have someone to talk to. Ha.

It's comforting to know that I'm not stark raving mad in how I feel, though. My mom remembers times like these. Liz knows. I think a lot of newly weds who move right away, or even seasoned couples who move, find themselves alone for awhile. It takes time to feel like you belong.

In the meantime, I'm trying to control my pregnancy-induced emotions as much as possible so that I don't scare away the one person who I do interact with during the day. The other night during dinner I was telling Nate about cloth diapering and all the things I'd learned about which methods and brands were best, and he asked if we could talk about it later... cause I was mentioning things like poop and pee a little too much for dinner talk. His totally legit request, to my hyper-sensitive self, seemed like a punch in the face. I had to hold back tears, and later told him, "I go all day without talking, and then you cut me off when I finally get a chance to talk." Blubbering idiot that I am right now.

I have two types of emotional fits. They come in waves and last minutes, but they are incredibly powerful. I'm learning to recognize them and will warn Nate - "Just so you know, I'm majorly annoyed right now. It's my hormones." Or "sffssff...ssff...ssssffff....ssffsssfff"" That last one is me crying. I guess there's no warning with that one. It's kinda apparent.

In conclusion, I'm losing it, but I'm painfully aware of how emotional I am. It's the strangest feeling when you want to cry buckets and you aren't sure why. Luckily I'm not throwing up or feeling any other major physical side effects of pregnancy. Kudos to Nate for enduring this roller coaster ride. I hear the first trimester is the worst, so... weeeee.